Pregnancy, Hyperemesis & Fear Of Miscarriage

Finding out I am pregnant for a third time came with a flood of emotions. I was excited, sad, scared and anxious. Will I miscarry again? Will I have severe hyperemesis again? What will happen to work? Will I have to give up work again due to the debilitating condition of severe hyperemesis? How will I have time for my first child if very sick? 

We had a scare initially where the baby looked small again and the heartbeat was low and there was some bleeding but within a week, everything changed. I was still very much pregnant and the baby was doing just fine – still is.

In the beginning, I woke up every morning scared that a flood of nausea and vomiting would engulf me but nothing happened for the first few weeks. I could still move around and do things until the middle of December. 

Constant nausea, vomiting, dehydration, lightheadedness, weakness and all the sickness came rushing in. I could not walk. I ended up in the hospital twice and had a tissued vein at some point. 

I spent Christmas eve and part of Christmas in the hospital. I was scared. I was angry. I was sad. All the while I kept thinking, here we go again, I will have to start from scratch with work and life again. I thought of the labour I had put in that year, the progress I had made and how it may all go down the drain if I am unable to cope due to hyperemesis. 

This was a baby I really wanted. While worrying about how my life will be if so sick I was also worrying about not miscarrying again. My doctor said I should avoid any form of exercise except walking when I bled a little earlier in the pregnancy. 

Every day I  wake up and wonder if the baby is still in there. The slightest sensation of moisture I feel makes me panic and rush to check if it is blood. 

One thing I do know is that this time things are different.  I am surrounded by a lot of love and support. I am learning to be kind to myself and work at a pace I can manage. 

Some of the things that scared me the most about this pregnancy were the fear of not being able to work if crippled by severe hyperemesis, starting all over again like I had to do last year and health complications like the last time. I look back to when I was pregnant with my first child and wonder how I survived. 

Dealing with hyperemesis with a toddler is no joke but my husband, siblings and friends have made it easier though they are all burnt out as well. 

I love being a mom and love my child to bits but there were moments I also feared and grieved for all the time I thought I had lost with work and life, not being able to have an income due to being very sick, the isolation, the pain and toll it took.

I had to work really hard to ‘make up for the lost time’ but I am also glad because I have a healthy child who is just perfect. Watching him grow these few years has been one of the highlights of my life.

Hyperemesis for my third pregnancy is not as severe as my first – I am so thankful for that. I am able to work a little while taking care of myself and being taken care of by my family and friends. 

All in all, I am happy that this time the hyperemesis is not as severe as the first pregnancy, and I am mentally stronger. Though I wake up every day not knowing what to expect which gives me a lot of anxiety, I am trying to take one day at a time and look forward to meeting my rainbow baby. 

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